Routine Is So Important

Every morning we have a routine. My alarm goes off at 6:45am and stumble the two steps to the window. I open the curtain and check out what is going on in our front yard. Mostly I am checking to see if there is a Zombie Apocalypse happening or I missed the Rapture. Neither to date but I’ll keep you posted. I check to see if Consuela and Carlos are still there then I waddle to the bathroom. I put on my make-up, brush my teeth and get ready for the day. THEN the fun starts. At exactly 7:00 while Husbando’s alarm is going off I sneak attack him. I crawl my way up the bed, pounce from the side, roll from the other side, whatever mood hits me. I bother him enough that he can’t go back to sleep then I get up, get dressed and go to the kitchen to start getting our lunch ready. Sometimes I return if he hasn’t shuffled by me in the timeframe I deem acceptable. Today’s agenda was as follows:

Alarm goes off.

Look out window. No zombies.

Carlos and Consuela still there and not wet. Can wear new suede shoes today.

Shuffle to bathroom. Make-up and deodorant applied. Check.

Must have zoned out because Husbando’s alarm is already going off.

Leap from doorway onto bed like giant flying squirrel.

Following conversation happens:

• What if I was a spy? Like all this time I was a spy and you didn’t know.
• Then you wouldn’t be telling me you are a spy.
• Oh… well then I’m not a spy.
• You wouldn’t tell me that either. 
• Well there are no spies. I didn’t say spy. 
• Okay, good.
• But I could be one. If I wanted. I would make a great spy. Or ninja. I COULD BE A NINJA!!!
• Sure.

Log-roll off the bed and go to bathroom to brush teeth.

Appear in doorway brushing teeth. ‘Yuwr guwa bweee wate ig you dwont gwet mowvin! I mweann i-‘ Make a mad dash to the sink before toothpaste oozes from lip. Success.

Jump back onto bed with minty ninja breath singing ‘Wooooonnnderr Booooooyyy. What is the secret of your pooooweeeer…’ as loud as I can. Volume is important.

Husband eyeroll obviously means he loves it so I should continue sining this same Tenacious D lyric over. And over. And over. Luckily he could hear me from the 3 inches from his face I was holding my pretend microphone.

Kicked out of bed. Ouch.

So I got dressed and made lunch and met him by the front door to go to work. I am really going to miss these calm, slow mornings when I have to be the ringleader of a circus to get everyone where they need to go. I’m guessing, however, he is not.

Birthday, Schmirthday

My birthday is always on Father’s Day. Schnookie’s birthday is always on Mother’s Day.* Our parents played the ultimate joke on us, didn’t they? Oh you want to celebrate your own birth? Tough, we’re celebrating who brought you into the world instead! Not cool parentals. Not. Cool. However, having this problem seems petty compared to parents who decide to get pregnant nine months before Christmas. Christmas?! You really want them to share with Jesus? No one can compete with that! The pressure would be overwhelming.

Husbando and I share a birthday week and I kinda like that. Mine is 4 days before so just enough time to get the belated cards and wishes out of the way before he has his very own day. He doesn’t party up his birthday quite like I do so those four days are plenty for him.

This year he won best gifts with the Tyler Perry plays (oh Madea, you cra) and a Carlos. What is a Carlos? Its a pony to match Consuela. I have been coveting my neighbor’s lawn ornament (sorry God, I broke #10) since we moved into our house. Every day we drive by and the pony is just begging to come live with us. He was dirty and grass was growing way too high around him. Well day before my birthday they had an estate sale and Husbando stopped by to see if they would sell Carlos. Dude in charge told him he would let him go for $10. Husbando offered $5 and put him in the car. He hid him on the side of the house since he knows I would never look or even go outside now that its over 75 degrees outside. After church and brunch we came home and had the big reveal I love the bow. It really completes the awesome. We then went and got Drunk Pedis where they serve you Franzia from their frige and later had a steak. He worked so hard to make my day special.

Fast forward four days. Husbando has taken off the whole week so he is in a pretty euphoric state . He opens the pink polo and winter jacket that I have had stashed away for weeks. I had an epic grand finale planned but he decides he wants to go to the Garth/Trisha/Toby/Mel/Willie concert for tornado relief and my grand finale will wait for Christmas if we are going to that. Tickets went on sale the next morning and luckily we got some. Sold out in about a minute. We are so, so excited to go and now I have something in my back pocket that will prolong my title as Wife of the Year next year.

 

 

Obviously not always but it sure feels like it.

Meet Consuela Bananahammock

This video is one of my favorite scenes in all of the Friends episodes. It is SO something I would do if left alone to pick a new name. Difference is that I was excited to start my marriage with a new name since it a. moved me up in the alphabet and b. is the most common name in the world.

But fast forward to the day we look at our new house for the first time. Realtor Heather is driving us all around the earth showing us 8 or 9 houses as fast as she can. Ours is the last house we look at. We pull onto the street and as we approach the house I spot her. Its a majestic, one-eared burro. I got so excited that I giggled. We look at the

Hola Consuela!

house, fall in love and on the way out I said goodbye to Consuela. Its like it was just her name all along.

Fast forward again to the day we are writing up the contract. Consuela, also known as ‘all outdoor statuaries’, is put in the contract so that she must be left with the house. Realtor Heather even tells their agent that it cannot be taken. Everyone agrees Consuela will live with us. And she does. She guards our trash and recycle bins. Husbando and I have already started thinking of ways to insert her into the Christmas decor. I’m thinking she could pull Jesus in that tiny cart. Not too unrealistic, right? Well here she is. And don’t steal her.