I’m having a little guilt about not being more excited about this last go-to-court hoop DHS is making us jump through. People keep saying I/we/the kids must be super excited and I have to keep lying. I don’t want to be rude but are you serious? Of course we’re happy to change their names and get DHS out of our life but the actual day isn’t what we’re looking forward to. The kids are pretty scared and the closer it gets, the more Mr. Anxious Elephant takes over the room. Lady H is pretty silent and Miss D grins her normal people-pleasing grin, giving the answer they want to hear but secretly at night praying we don’t have to go. Agent K is the master of smile-and-nod just like his mama so we’ve all got our roles down pretty good. I know everyone is excited but until you’ve gone through this journey, I don’t know if I can explain it without sounding nasty. We’re all kinda irritated and on edge and having to mask that adds to the irritation.
Yesterday the attorney called to say our time had been pushed back from 10:30 to 2:00 because our judge had a meeting during our original time. Way to make us and our 35 out-of-town guests a priority. Way to make us feel like there is a chance you will not even get to us tomorrow because by that time on Friday, what if we don’t get our chance? That fear lived deep in my gut for over a month and I dared not speak it aloud all that time. Thanks to this phone call, its right there out in the front of all my thoughts. I’m terrified that this isn’t going to happen, just like everyone else doing this is too. Will someone not show? Will the paperwork not be delivered properly? Will the attorney’s car break down? I kept all these questions out of my mind until that phone rang and now they are all I can think about. I got the restaurant reservation rearranged, everyone notified, cake pick-up time moved and our morning wake-up routine switched around but I still have this feeling I can’t shake. I was sitting on ‘go’ and now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. What a way to ruin my day I didn’t want to participate in anyway!
We tried not to let the kids know we were worried because can you imagine how many things got blamed on ‘The Judge’ before we came around? The Judge said you can’t live with your parents anymore. The Judge said you have to live away from your sisters. The Judge decided you can never see your biological family again. Why on earth would my children ever trust The Judge again? They were too little to understand anything more than that The Judge is responsible for the collapse of their family. I hope this experience will teach them to trust but I can’t imagine it will be easy for them.
Okay, story/rant over. I’m just nervous and anxious and its growing with every hour. Last night Husbando and I spent 45 minutes picking out our outfits and thanks to him, I’ll be much more dressed up than originally anticipated because who can dress casual when he wears a suit? Obviously not me. I’m off to shine my shoes and iron something…