Birthmother Letters

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For a while now I’ve been intrigued with open adoption communication, specifically between the birth and adoptive mothers. I daydream about what I would say to the birthmother of our children if we ever accidentally ran into her at the grocery store. I know her face well because I’ve stared at it for hours. I found her on social media, dating sites, and several other places. Heck, the kids even have ‘life books’ that have pics of them together in it. I am prepared for safety reasons but also for general curiosity.

After reading some recent posts about birthmom letters, my mind started swirling with ideas and the last straw was the article I read about a birthmother coming to the adoption finalization at the court house. Everyone’s situation is different so that doesn’t bother me that they did that, I just know ours wouldn’t be welcome to participate. I’ve decided to write some letters on here in hopes that I won’t continue to stay awake thinking about this. This one happens to be how I would introduce myself. Tact was never really on my list of positive qualities.

Dear Birthmother,

Hello. I’m Carynn and I’ve been given the gift of raising your children. Thanks for pushing them out of your body and then keeping them only long enough to cause them permanent heartbreak. I’ll be taking over from here but my uterus thanks you for your service.

These kids are amazing but I’m not sorry you don’t get to witness that. You don’t deserve that. I will be honest, my husband and I give you the benefit of the doubt and call your cruelty and selfishness a ‘mental illness’. We don’t fathom how a person could treat another the way you treated these three beautiful little people and so we just assume you are sick in a way we could never understand. For your sake, I hope that is right.

I see you’re still married to the girls’ dad and that surprises me. How is it that you can keep that relationship going over ten years but not the most deep bond known on the planet, a bond between mother and child? I also see you moved several states away and maybe that is why you’re able to spend so much time with your step-son (who happens to be the same age as your own son). I don’t think you should be allowed within several hundred feet of a child, daycare, or school but I guess they only keep track of sex offenders these days.

The kids don’t ask about you, they just mention occasionally that they have done something or gone somewhere with their birthfamily. I’m sure Agent K is keeping a lot of memories bottled up, as he does when he thinks something may hurt us. He is quite mature like that. The girls probably don’t remember much more than the one terrible memory they shared with us and I hope that fades over time. I’ve never told them they can’t speak of you, I just think its an unspoken understanding between them that they don’t want to think of the past and the pain. Do they wonder about where you are and what you’re doing? I am sure they always will. Probably in those last moments of consciousness before they drift to sleep when I confront all my deepest and most painful thoughts.

We finalize our adoption in the next 60 days and after that, I hope with that and the changing of their names they find some peace in their broken little hearts. Peace knowing they will always have a family who loves and cares for them in a way they never knew. Peace knowing there is no more unknown about where they will live tomorrow and peace that trusting us will not leave them hurt.  There will always be a deep wound that you left them but our goal in life is to help heal that to the best of our abilities and love them as much as they will let us. In the event you care, we aren’t going to let them down on that promise. We are going to take such good care of them and treat them like the gifts they are. I’m sorry you will not have the same pleasure.

Sincerely,

Carynn

 

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